Gods, what a day.

Heck with the world, I hate being introspective, because I don't feel like it's me making the thoughts.



It's funny how all of this got started thanks to World of Warcraft.

So I'm on an RP server, but I love PvPing. That means killing other players from the opposite faction, particularly in a capture-the-flag-esque game called Warsong Gulch. Of course, my character is a druid. While this wouldn't bring me hesitation any other time, I felt it would be best if I should think up some in-character rationality as to why my druid (who indeed values life and considers it among the most miraculous things the Earth Mother ever bestowed upon us) is has rank of Sergeant. For those not in the know, that pretty much means "killed a hell of a lot".

In the end, I think I determined how he'd go about it, but it did quite unfortunately get me thinking about a very puzzling question for me.

To me, is the actual concept of "life" more important than how you live it? For particular instance, what if I magically knew that I had a decision? One depressed person could die so that three neutral people would become happy for the rest of their lives. I know it's sort of an odd thing to consider, but when you really start to think about it, you wonder. Do you personally have the right to choose who should die or who should live? Conceptually, I think everybody wants to say no, but I'd be hard pressed to say Stevie Nicks, for example, would be better off dead. I simply can't process that in my mind. I could think of a thousand reasons why Stevie Nicks, simply put, is a "better human being" than... I don't know, pick somebody you honestly don't like. I'm going to say Sadaam Hussein, although bear with me and read on later, I'm going to regret using his name. I think "most people" would probably agree with me, that Sadaam Hussein deserves to die before... Stevie Nicks, or Morgan Freeman, or I don't know. Pick somebody in your head, somebody you can't think of any reason to hate them for.

I, at least, am of the opinion that life has value but living has more, and I think there is a clear difference. I not only believe some people should die so that others may live, I believe that some people should die not so that others may simply live but rather so that others will live happier even if their lives weren't necessarily threatened. I think a lot of people would (rightfully so) disagree with me upon this concept, but it's something I hold in my head and, at least for the time being, stick to to a reasonable degree.

It is in this respect that I can, at least in part, understand terrorism. I wonder how many eyebrows went up. Sometimes, I wonder if some of us really do deserve to just die. I assure you that a substantial portion of Americans killed in terrorist activities fall victim to a number of the things I'm going to mention in the next paragraph.

The American public these days are whiny. We're arrogant. We're ignorant. We're lazy. We're stupid. We're stubborn. We're conformists. We're desensitized. We cling far too strongly to social values that, when looked at by an objective eye, don't make sense. Terrorists see this (thanks to our position in the world and our technology, it's easy for us to broadcast it out), do these assholish things to kill us, and then we only display these characteristics further. How many people have an unyieldingly stubborn - but ignorant to the facts - opinion of the war in the middle east, regardless of whether they say 'stay or go'? How often do people just use it as an excuse to bitch incessantly, usually about the government? How many people wail helplessly at the hundreds of American lives lost and yet not give a crap about the tens of thousands we're killing over there?

Before I could fully even work all this out, I moved into a subject that interests me more. This sort of ignorance is just as easily displayed in our treatment of non-human life. The most popular religion in America even revolves around us and only us having souls, after all. We happily rape the Earth without respect not just for the fluffy and cute animals, but for every little living thing.

I always sound like some sort of crackpot when I say this, and I know precisely how inane it sounds, but why do you as a human being have the right to kill millions of bacterial cells every minute? A single bacteria is one entity of life. You as a whole are one organism, one entity of life, and yet you likely possess no compassion for that. Vegetarians who eat simply because they don't want to hurt animals kill plants instead, the big moral issue being that animals can think and plants can't. Last time I checked, sentience isn't the only thing that's determining whether something is alive. (Incidentally, for those who eat veggies just for the health benefits, I got no beef with you. Ha ha! Look, beef, I made a funny! Even my angsty posts have amusement!) People do it out of guilt, I presume, but as is the problem with every decision made through emotion and not through reason, there's very little backing it when you look at it from an objective eye.

Does anybody get what point I'm making? It's not that we should treat every little thing with love and compassion; it's that we shouldn't be hypocritical in making our decisions. You need to work out your values and think them through, particularly for the things you hold most dear in your life (be it politics, religion, social relationships, or anything). People who hunt animals every weekend but protest in front of abortion clinics make no sense to me. Big-time corporation owners who cut dozens of jobs so they can have a more expensive vacation and yet go to church devoutly every Sunday make no sense to me. Those who say they value life but only do it because it seems like "the right thing to do"...

Well, they do make sense to me, because I'm one of them. But when I really think about it, it doesn't make sense at all.

I am an entertainer. If I was put here on this Earth by somebody bigger and better than myself, then it was done so that I may make life happier for other people. I love it when I make people happy; I love it when people accept me; I love knowing I'm making a difference, and I don't mind working hard to do it. I do mind, however, the actual "setting up" of it. If this makes sense, I hate working my way into the hearts of people, even though once I'm in there, it's all good for everybody. I can be a bit of a manipulative person, but I wouldn't consider myself "bad". I don't think I'd ever use somebody in a way that would cause them great harm or probably not even mild harm. But I can reap the side benefits, particularly if we both get something out of it in the end.

And yet who am I entertaining? I'm entertaining a species I find worlds upon worlds less interesting than the countless others of this planet. Human social behavior is one of the most boring things imaginable, because there's nothing remotely concrete about it. There are so many exceptions to the rule - or rather, they'll have you believe that there are deviants from the one "true" path that either nobody has found, or nobody is willing to accept. Animal biology, however, tends to be a little less open to interpretation, due in part to the fact that multiple things do in. Why does Animal X do this? It's because blah, blah, blah, and blah. Why does Human X do this? He may be blah, or he may be blah, because people who do blah have blah unless they're blah, or he might be blah. Biology piles up; every new theory improves the current ones. Social studies conflict; they don't get anywhere, particularly if the public can't handle the truth.

I believe that given the current state of the world, advancements (if we must advance) in science are going to solve our problems quicker than advancements in arts, social sciences, entertainment, businesses, and so forth. People could probably argue with me for hours over it. I say go for it. I'd be lying if I said scientists weren't in it for the money (major props to the first person who can cheaply cure AIDS), but it seems, at least from this outside perspective, that scientists care more deeply about the power of knowledge and the study of the world than most other professions do about their particular crafts. (It may only be because I share this love, however; I simply might not be able to see that the corporation owner does it because he's devoutly interested in economy, or the politician genuinely wants to make a positive difference in the government.)

Learning about what makes things tick doesn't take away the wonder for me. It enhances it. Knowing what makes up my cell, what the meaning of life in a Darwinian sense is, knowing how the universe most likely came about, knowing what makes up every fiber of my being ruins it for a lot of people, who would rather keep the world shrouded in mystique. It entrances me. I don't believe there's a designer, but I do believe there's a miraculous design in both living and non-living things which makes it all the more spectacular. My favorite part in all science is when you learn something that's so very obvious and right in front of your face and makes perfect sense, and yet you didn't realize it until you were told. It's an amazing feeling for me, and it's hit me so many times and builds up so much each time that I'm firmly confident in my decision to be a science major.

But what am I going to do with it? I want to make a positive impact on the world. Do I consider that more important, however, than my social thoughts on the world: that happiness is key? That if I'm unhappy, I need to work until I am? That if I can make somebody else happy, I'm doing "right" in the world? That my own happiness is important, too? Can I really make an impact in the science world if I demand a certain amount of free time for myself? Not to mention, is there anything I can truly fight for?

I just don't know anything, and that's precisely it. I personally believe that there's very little to fear about the recent o-zone crisis, but most people are very concerned. When I thought about it and learned about how dramatically the earth's temperature has changed year to year in the past, I began to wonder if that's not the only "good sounding" thing that deserves to be questioned. In the end, I realized that unlike in the movies, there's nothing in this world that's definitely good. I could probably be convinced easily that the destruction of the rainforests is not necessarily a bad thing. It's furthering economy in both America and other countries, it's not greatly reducing the oxygen content (more than 99% of the world's oxygen comes from algae), and it's keeping advancements in all formats going (because we do need paper). Is that more important to me than the death of countless animals, plants, fungi, bacteria and stuff?

Simply put, who do I need to support more: the species I am, or all the others?

(To keep it "simple", we'll pretend that if we run out of one resource, we find a more expensive but usable alternative, so "inevitable demise" doesn't cloud up the question I'm really asking myself here.)

I'm just so lost, and it doesn't help that I simply don't have the will to dedicate time to it. I'm a busy person... Working about 30 hours a week, going to school twice, and this is my vacation time, when school is less than half as busy. Should I be chewing away from time spent RPing or talking with friends or watching movies or playing games so that I can actually help to make an impact which may or may not even be for the better in the end?

I keep asking myself these questions, and I never get anywhere with it. I just mope and sigh and feel extremely guilty until I wake up in the morning, and suddenly, the only life that matters is a human life, and I feel great and happy. I'm going to the Seaquarium with Kim tomorrow, then I'm going to go play lazertag, then maybe I'll come home and RP or something. Cara's coming this weekend. I can and do feel happy... but in the end, guilty.

Ever wish you could just "know"? Wish that you knew the truth? I don't mind working hard; I just mind figuring out what to work hard for. Cut my work out for me, I'll do it from there. I don't mind working hard at my job, but the thought of -finding- another job gives me a deadened, sad feeling. I just wish somebody would hand me a small list of jobs I could do in my science field. I choose one, go to work the next day, the end. That's honestly how I feel, which is why I kind of wish communism worked outside of pure theory.

It's just, in a society that cares more about who Tom Cruise is dating than the rape of the Everglades...

And then me internally wondering if the rape of the Everglades truly is an issue that does, should, and can concern me, then wondering what I can do to help without regretting it...

Gods, I hate thinking!

Meh.



Hee. I just looked this over. There's absolutely no sense of organization, which is the way I like my posts. I just write what comes into my head. I'd be a crappy, crappy journalist. :>